An Apology

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you
demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I
hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol
after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my
girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that
evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back
to wherever you'd come from with that brown stinking sludge flopping
about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up
leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you
calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I
took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her
listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought
myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless
guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your
wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell.
They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel
recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little
over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they
haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some
threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on
you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make
it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to
help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on
the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also
like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back
home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path
in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message,
email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!