Derar Abby

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are, phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my boat so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind the boat, that I noticed that there were some hairline cracks in my gel coat, right where the hull meets the transom.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it over to the boat yard to have it repaired?

One wish from god

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy".

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes, or four?"

An Apology

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you
demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I
hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol
after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my
girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that
evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back
to wherever you'd come from with that brown stinking sludge flopping
about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up
leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you
calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I
took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her
listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought
myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless
guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your
wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell.
They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel
recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little
over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they
haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some
threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on
you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make
it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to
help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on
the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also
like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back
home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path
in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message,
email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

9 Phrases Women Use

(1) Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your toes. Argu ments that begin
with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood
by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is
wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back
to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.
That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you
will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're
welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a
lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say
'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever:
Is a women's way of saying F***YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has asked a
man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a
man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Funny joke of the week - Why I fired my secretary

Why I Fired My Secretary....

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch... Naked.

Deaf Genie

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~ each person is only allowed wish one!' The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks ... and they keep coming! The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Who's your baby's daddy?

I never copy and paste but i had to

http://www.extremetech.com/art...00532

You just had a baby, and now you're dying to know if the man you've been living with for the past year is the father. Or maybe it's your ex's baby... or your ex's brother's baby! Regardless, obtaining a DNA paternity test can take forever. First, you have to see the doctor, then involve a lawyer, and hundreds—if not thousands—of dollars later, you won't get results for weeks or months. So what's a desperate home-wrecking woman to do? Now, she can go to her local Rite Aid.

Buzz up!on Yahoo!

Identigene, a DNA identification testing servicer, today announced that its $29.99 Identigene DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit is now available for over-the-counter purchase at Rite Aid drug stores in over 30 states throughout the U.S. It was first offered on a trial basis last November in California, Washington, and Oregon. However, demand for the test was so high that Identigene decided to make the test widely available.

"Over-the-counter sales offers a completely new marketing channel for DNA testing. It makes the process more convenient and affordable while ensuring reliability and confidentiality," said Doug Fogg, COO of Identigene. "We learned that people are extremely receptive to the idea of purchasing a DNA paternity test kit while shopping at one of the nation's leading drug store chains."

To begin using the DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit, you need to collect DNA samples by rubbing a swab inside the mouth. Samples should be taken from the mother, child, and father in question. The samples, along with consent forms and a lab fee of $119, are sent in an enclosed postage-paid return envelope to Identigene for processing. Participants receive results within just 3 to 5 business days, by mail, e-mail, or online through a secured Web service. Best of all, for an additional fee, you can get a paternity test result that will actually stand up in court. According to the company, the actual testing and lab work are done in the same way for a personal DNA test and a legally valid DNA test. The only differences are verification of identity during sample-taking and supervision of samples.

When I first got wind of the commercial availability of this DNA paternity test, I immediately thought of talk shows, like the ones hosted by Jerry Springer and Maury Povich, that administer paternity tests. Will people now stop requesting to be guests on these shows in lieu of taking the tests in the privacy of their own homes, so as not to be humiliated on live TV?

To answer these questions, I asked a close source who works at a daytime talk show:

The fact that in order to get court-admissible results, you have to pay an extra fee, will still cause people to seek out daytime talk shows for their results (as we provide court admissible results). However, we must also take into account that most of the people that come on our show are huge fans of the host and come simply to have 15 minutes of fame and a free trip to New York. So I really don't think that the wide availability of paternity tests will have that much of an impact on our show. Also, most of the people who come on the show would be unaware of the newfound availability of the tests. This is more going to help cheating housewives who want to determine their baby's father discreetly--without having to get a doctor involved.

So the next time you're at your local Rite Aid, pick up some vitamins, a rectal thermometer, and—oh yeah—a paternity test