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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

9 Phrases Women Use

(1) Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your toes. Argu ments that begin
with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood
by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is
wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back
to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.
That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you
will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're
welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a
lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say
'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever:
Is a women's way of saying F***YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has asked a
man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a
man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Funny joke of the week - Why I fired my secretary

Why I Fired My Secretary....

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch... Naked.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Deaf Genie

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~ each person is only allowed wish one!' The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks ... and they keep coming! The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Who's your baby's daddy?

I never copy and paste but i had to

http://www.extremetech.com/art...00532

You just had a baby, and now you're dying to know if the man you've been living with for the past year is the father. Or maybe it's your ex's baby... or your ex's brother's baby! Regardless, obtaining a DNA paternity test can take forever. First, you have to see the doctor, then involve a lawyer, and hundreds—if not thousands—of dollars later, you won't get results for weeks or months. So what's a desperate home-wrecking woman to do? Now, she can go to her local Rite Aid.

Buzz up!on Yahoo!

Identigene, a DNA identification testing servicer, today announced that its $29.99 Identigene DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit is now available for over-the-counter purchase at Rite Aid drug stores in over 30 states throughout the U.S. It was first offered on a trial basis last November in California, Washington, and Oregon. However, demand for the test was so high that Identigene decided to make the test widely available.

"Over-the-counter sales offers a completely new marketing channel for DNA testing. It makes the process more convenient and affordable while ensuring reliability and confidentiality," said Doug Fogg, COO of Identigene. "We learned that people are extremely receptive to the idea of purchasing a DNA paternity test kit while shopping at one of the nation's leading drug store chains."

To begin using the DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit, you need to collect DNA samples by rubbing a swab inside the mouth. Samples should be taken from the mother, child, and father in question. The samples, along with consent forms and a lab fee of $119, are sent in an enclosed postage-paid return envelope to Identigene for processing. Participants receive results within just 3 to 5 business days, by mail, e-mail, or online through a secured Web service. Best of all, for an additional fee, you can get a paternity test result that will actually stand up in court. According to the company, the actual testing and lab work are done in the same way for a personal DNA test and a legally valid DNA test. The only differences are verification of identity during sample-taking and supervision of samples.

When I first got wind of the commercial availability of this DNA paternity test, I immediately thought of talk shows, like the ones hosted by Jerry Springer and Maury Povich, that administer paternity tests. Will people now stop requesting to be guests on these shows in lieu of taking the tests in the privacy of their own homes, so as not to be humiliated on live TV?

To answer these questions, I asked a close source who works at a daytime talk show:

The fact that in order to get court-admissible results, you have to pay an extra fee, will still cause people to seek out daytime talk shows for their results (as we provide court admissible results). However, we must also take into account that most of the people that come on our show are huge fans of the host and come simply to have 15 minutes of fame and a free trip to New York. So I really don't think that the wide availability of paternity tests will have that much of an impact on our show. Also, most of the people who come on the show would be unaware of the newfound availability of the tests. This is more going to help cheating housewives who want to determine their baby's father discreetly--without having to get a doctor involved.

So the next time you're at your local Rite Aid, pick up some vitamins, a rectal thermometer, and—oh yeah—a paternity test

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Funny jokes I found on MySpace

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the youth's multicolored mowhawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responeded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?


Make them into a tire and call it a good year.
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This one is good:

A woman is speeding down the highway, comes up to a bridge, flies over it. Well a cop was sitting under the bridge, targeting speeders, and clocks her doing 20 over.

He pulls her over, and being a smartass, says, "Well, what's your hurry?"

The woman says, "I really have to get to work.

the cop says, "oh? And what do you do for a living?"

Woman says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? What the hell is a rectum stretcher?"

Woman says. "Well, first i have to slide in 1 finger very very slowly, then another finger, till i can get my whole hand in. Then i slowly put in the other hand. When i have both of them in, I slowly start to stretch out the rectum, a little at a time, till it's about 6 feet big."

The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!?!?"


Woman says, "You give him a radar gun and park him under a bridge."

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Worst Florida Seafood Restaurants

This poll was take on the Florida Sportsman Forum. Below if some helpful information on what seafood restaurants to avoid with the advice coming from local Florida fisherman.


Since we're having the poll for the best seafood restaurants in Florida, I thought we should also have a poll for the worst seafood restaurants as well.

I went to Joe's Crab Shack in Sanford. Once.



Online Poll » Results


Red Lobster (32%, 28 votes)
Joe's Crab Shack (24%, 21 votes)
Long John Silver's (17%, 15 votes)
Shell's (7%, 6 votes)
Bonefish (5%, 5 votes)
Captain 'D's (3%, 3 votes)
Rustic Inn(2%, 2 votes)
The Fishery, Placida, FL (2%, 2 votes)
Captain's Galley in Ft Pierce (1%, 1 votes)
bubba gump's (1%, 1 votes)
Colonade (1%, 1 votes)
Fish Bones (0%, 0 votes)

Some additional highlights:


Captain's Galley in Ft Pierce

Don't know if they are even still there. Horrible food, terrible service. One tiny little speck of conch in the chowder.
Went back a second time figuring any place can have an off day. Same crappy food, service was worse but the piece of conch in the chowder was almost as big as an M&M. I told the waitress to 86 the chowder since the piece the chef tied to the bottom of the pot broke loose and wound up in my bowl.


Florida's dirty little secret.

I would estimate that bad seafood restaurants outnumber good seafood restaurants 4 or 5 to one in Florida. We don't have a single good one in Gainesville.

Ballyhoos
NW Grill
Red Lobster
Bonefish





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